From Pain to Pain

"...I go from pain to pain 

Confessing 

And soothing myself with words

It is easy to escape 

Loving the words and the feelings so much.

Reality- the true thing -however 

Does not hear the words 

Nor Change because of them..."

And doesn't seems to Change ever. 

Sometimes I feel that we go through the worst times so that we could become more humble and see where we have gone wrong. And if I start listing it now it looks I have never been right at all or may be I can't see anything now. My heart again and again pounds over this cliché "why all this with me? " and then start pointing out the reasons for it. It may be because I dint do justice with my relations, may be I couldn't understand them ever. May be I was not a good planner, may be I planned it all together wrong. May be I was not humble after my successes, may be I dint know what's being humble.  May be I err so much more than a human should, may be I just don't deserve to be a human at all. 

I can't look down upon myself so much now. But whatever I do to debase my humanity and take the culpability of all the wrongs I have done so far, this pain, it doesn't seems to leave me easy. However, the more I introspect the more I suffer. Its not that I cant answer my questions with all the acumen I can restore and manage a safe way out, but right now, nothing seems to work. Its like a seashore you can see but can't touch, a tear you can feel but can't wipe, a verdict you can hear but can't change and a life you can love but can't help dying. 

Am I the one exaggerating? We know problems are all pervading. Also not the existence of their solution is doubtful. Yes, answers are everywhere. But do I care about the answers. NO! Its not the problems themselves but the sting they are leaving on me is what making me vulnerable. 

Have you ever saw yourself endlessly falling from a height, running for a fear or anyway departing your life through an helpless twinge in a dream? I can feel that every second. I am that much helpless right now and get more when I find no space to even shed my tears. I have all the isolation for my heart but not for myself.  I have to look brave, happy and wear an " I am OK! " smile all the time. I can do that but its rather paining me inside, making me shallow and squaring my problems. 

I don't know the end but I penned it so that after sometime I can re-read it and realize something which I am not able to right now. Though I am still dubious if it has some end

For the words of misery may never end till the life actually does!